by Nancy Fagan, Relationship Resolution Center
Many marriage therapists prefer to work with both members of a couple when they are having problems in their relationship. In my 25 years as a relationship therapist, I’ve found that working with just one partner has yielded very positive results.
By working with only one person, it truly allows that partner to focus on their wants, needs, their role in contributing to the unhappiness of the marriage, and personalizing a solution that works for them. Below you will find helpful information about how going to marriage counseling without your spouse can help achieve your goals for the relationship.
Why individual marriage counseling?
Many couples in unhappy marriages wait too long to get help. By the time both spouses agree to counseling, the relationship has often been so damaged it’s close to the breaking point. Going to counseling to work on your marriage is smart. This is because long before marital issues are noticeable, one partner begins the process of pulling away from the other. While this may result in marital unhappiness, often, it has nothing to do with the marriage. Instead, it has to do with something the individual partner is going through. Going to marital therapy without your partner can help you to address what is going on.
Going to marriage counseling by yourself is sometimes necessary. The reasons cab vary—when a spouse refuses to go with you, does not believe there is a problem, fears he or she will be ganged up on, or isn’t unwilling to discuss private issues with a therapist. If your spouse isn’t willing to go with you, attending alone can be a powerful step in the right direction.
How individual counseling helps?
Twelve reasons why individual marriage counseling is a step in the right direction to go to marriage therapy.
You can make positive changes in your relationship, even by going to marital therapy alone.
To recognize if Individual problems are masking themselves as marital issues.
To gain awareness about what is driving your unhappiness.
Allow you to discuss your marital concerns without having to censor yourself around your spouse.
To discuss marriage or personal problems you’re not ready to broach with your spouse.
A therapist can give you the tools to deal with your situation. This can help you to implement changes in your behavior. Often, when you make changes, your partner follows by also makes changes.
Sometimes when your partner sees positive change, he or she may be more willing to go with you.
Allow you to examine your role, behaviors, and patterns that contribute to the unhappy state in your relationship.
To address deep wounds that are negatively impacting your relationship. This can be an opportunity to heal these issues so you can be more engaged in your relationship.
To get peace of mind that you are doing something to work on your relationship.
To identify your needs and wants and begin recognizing whether they are being met and creating an action plan to get your needs met.
To give attention to the internal conflict you are having as opposed to the conflict between you and your spouse. Sometimes by addressing this, it can lessen conflict you have with your partner.
How couple’s counseling works if you go alone?
Many of the techniques used in couple’s counseling can be effectively adapted to use with one spouse.
Couple’s counseling is about learning about yourself and how you are contributing to the problematic issues in your relationship. A marital relationship will only improve when changes are made within yourself. Too often, one partner believes their partner needs to make changes and overlooks how he or she is also playing a role.
It’s common for marriage therapists to have individual meetings with each partner to acquire more understanding of each person’s insights, goals, and desires.
Can I go to couples therapy alone?
Yes. If you want to get help for your relationship problems, you don’t have to bring your spouse. The techniques used with couples in marriage therapy are easily adapted to use with one person. No relationship problem is too small for therapy. If it’s causing you unhappiness, therapy can help you create a plan of action to fix it.
Can one person save a marriage?
If one partner has an issue about the relationship, it’s a problem for both people, whether the other spouse knows it or not. There are a lot of things one spouse can learn to do that will help the marriage improve.
How do I get the most out of individual couples therapy?
Don't wait too long to get help when you are having marital distress.
Find the right therapist. Make sure you do your homework and go to a therapist trained in relationship counseling.
Be honest with the therapist.
Show up for the session.
Do the homework your therapist assigns.
Don't quit too soon. Therapy can take months before you see results. Give it time.
Do couples therapists ever suggest divorce?
Therapists don’t typically give people advice about what to do in their lives. Instead, the therapeutic process helps a person gain insight into their thoughts, desires, and wants. If a client wants a divorce, a therapist will provide resources to further their knowledge.
How effective is marriage counseling?
According to research, approximately 38 percent of couples who receive marriage therapy get divorced within four years of completing therapy. This may be due to the fact that people wait too long before reaching out for help.
What is the best type of marriage counseling?
There are a number of marriage counseling modalities and techniques. It’s best to pick the one that fits your style. Below is a list of the 10 most popular types of couple’s counseling.
Marriage Mediation (AKA Conflict Resolution) Marriage mediation is for couples who have a strong, healthy relationship but need an objective 3rd party to mediate a solution to issues they can’t agree on. Marriage mediation helps couples stay married by helping them find solutions to unresolved conflict. A mediator facilitates communication between the couple, which impowers them to sets goals and objectives together. Solutions are generated using strengths to discover hidden interests and gain understanding that create options that break impasses. Fatal flaws are examined and choices are made using a short-term, solution-focused process that uses dispute resolution techniques in a problem-solving manner.
Couples therapy is a type of counseling that focuses on the relationship rather than on individuals. Both spouses work with a Marriage and Family Therapist to gain insight into relationship dynamics that are maintaining relationship problems. The therapist helps the couple understand each person’s role in the dysfunctional interactions. A treatment plan is created based on the identifying issues the couple wants to target. The goal is to improve relationship satisfaction with issues are resolved.
Religion-Based Couple’s Counseling. This is a type of couple’s counseling that has a religious emphasis. Aside from the foundation, the counseling experience is identical to what happens in couple’s counseling described above.
Gottman Method Couples Therapy. The Gottman Method is a research-based type of therapy that uses couples counseling techniques to increase affection, closeness, and respect. The techniques teach couples how to build love maps to learn about your partner’s psychological life by mapping your partner’s worries, joys, hopes, and history. Fondness and admiration are strengthened, and conflict is managed rather than using conflict resolution. Trust and commitment to a lifelong relationship are reinforced.
Emotionally Focused Couples Therapy. This is a short-term approach with three main goals. It encourages the expansion and reorganization of key emotional responses. It seeks to secure a tight bond between partners. The therapy repositions each partner’s stance during interactions and creates new, beneficial interactions in the relationship. This type of marriage counseling method is especially useful when depression is a suspected culprit of relationship woes.
Nancy Fagan, Founder of Relationship Resolution Center
Nancy Fagan is the founder of the Relationship Resolution Center, an online counseling, mediation, and coaching business. She holds a Master's Degree in Clinical Psychology and is the former owner of the largest divorce mediation firm in San Diego. She is a 3-time published author and has appeared on countless television, radio shows, and quoted in national magazines since 1997.
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