by Nancy Fagan, Relationship Resolution Center
The How-we-Met Story Exercise
John Gottman, Ph.D., is renowned for his work on marital stability and divorce prediction. One of his early studies revealed that how people feel in their current relationship is projected in how they describe their early days together.
Is Your Marriage Happy?
He found that If you are happy today, you will tell a tale filled with nostalgia, optimism, laughter, and smiles. The contrary happens with unhappy couples. Their stories are tinged with negativity, regret, and unhappiness. Shockingly, this simple exercise allowed him to predict with 94 percent accuracy which couples would break up and who would stay together.
Joint Exercise
Sit down with your spouse and go down memory lane. Start the conversation by asking each other any of the following questions:
“What was our first date like for you?”
“What was going through your mind when you first met me?”
“When did you first know you were in love with me?”
“Did you know you were going to propose, or was it spontaneous?
Pay close attention to how each of you describes the past. If the details are upbeat and positive, fantastic! Your marriage is strong. On the other hand, if one or both of you voiced a pessimistic narrative, look at this as an opportunity to improve the status quo.
Solo Exercise
If you are not able to do the above exercise with your spouse, do it by yourself. Find a quiet space to reflect and answer any of the questions above. When you are finished, read your notes. Pay close attention to whether you described the event through rose-colored glasses of hope and nostalgia or as undesirable and depressing.
Having a negative perspective about the beginnings of your relationship does not mean a divorce is imminent. Instead, it just means you need to make your relationship a priority. The solution might be as simple as re-engaging with your spouse. To do this, choose one of exercises on our blog to make you feel closer to your spouse. If your problems are more severe, I suggest starting counseling for yourself or with your spouse.
Nancy Fagan, Founder of Relationship Resolution Center
Nancy Fagan is the founder of the Relationship Resolution Center, an online counseling, mediation, and coaching business. She holds a Master's Degree in Clinical Psychology and is the former owner of the largest divorce mediation firm in San Diego. She is a 3-time published author and has appeared on countless television, radio shows, and quoted in national magazines since 1997.