What to Do When My Husband Takes Everything as Criticism?
This is an article I was interviewed for by UpJourney.com
By The Editors
Criticism is a tough thing to take, no matter who you are. But when your husband is the one dishing it out, it can be especially hard to know how to react.
This can be a challenging situation to navigate; fortunately, there are ways to change the dynamic and improve your communication in your marriage.
According to relationship experts, here are things you should do when your husband takes everything as criticism.
According to Nancy Fagan, LMFT and founder of the Relationship Resolution Center
Try to imagine your husband’s position and listen closely to hear unmet needs
Fagan says, partners communicate safely by expressing themselves with “reactive” emotions rather than the real, more vulnerable ones.
For example, the husband who feels criticized may actually be masking his feelings of:
inadequacy,
disrespect,
or any number of things.
He interprets what his wife is saying as an attack on his character. Because this is a regular occurrence, it shows that his underlying feelings and needs are not being addressed.
Fagan continues by saying, the wife needs to ask herself: “What five reasons, aside from criticism, could my husband be feeling?”
When someone feels criticized, they feel attacked. Try to imagine from the husband’s position—what might be going through his mind?
When the wife completes the list, she should sit down with the husband and say:
“Honey, I’m sorry you feel like I’m criticizing you; That is not my intent. I’m trying to understand why you might feel like I’m criticizing you. I’m wondering if you ever feel like I don’t think you are a good provider, are (insert possible character insults).”
If the husband agrees to anything she says, she simply has to say, “I’d like to know more about that so I can change how I’m communicating with you, so you don’t feel criticized.“
What to do when your husband takes everything as criticism
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Nancy Fagan, Founder of Relationship Resolution Center
Nancy Fagan is the founder of the Relationship Resolution Center, an online counseling, mediation, and coaching business. She holds a Master's Degree in Clinical Psychology and is the former owner of the largest divorce mediation firm in San Diego. She is a 3-time published author and has appeared on countless television, radio shows, and quoted in national magazines since 1997.