by Nancy Fagan, Relationship Resolution Center
When people tell me they want a divorce, the first thing I ask is “why” they want out. Typically they tell me, “I can’t take her nagging any more.” “All we do is fight,” “He’s a cheater; I’m done!”
I typically hear an unrealistic expectation that once they leave the marriage, life will improve drastically. This type of thinking is not only improbable; it’s based in pure fantasy.
Divorce Planning Guide, Step-by-Step
Often time people erroneously think their lives will remain the same after divorce, with the exception of the spouse being gone. Nothing could be further from the truth. Divorce causes every aspect of a person’s life to change. Two of the most significant areas people suffer are financially and emotionally.
Family dynamics also change significantly and a Court order stipulates when and how long you get to see your children.
Social circles change as the people closest to you pick which side of the friendship fence they want to go. It’s a never-ending series of painful daily surprises that show as a divorce proceeds.
How to Prepare
Few people are prepared for what’s coming when they decide to divorce. To make a more successful transition from married to divorced, giving up the fantasy is the first step. Getting down to the nitty gritty mechanics of how to deal with the fallout is hard work, but necessary.
Before you take one more step toward divorce, answer the questions below. This approach of looking at the upcoming divorce will allow you lessen the potential damage when you move forward. It’s from this perspective that you will be able to make smart, well-informed choices. Click here for the full sabotage the divorce fantasy worksheet.
Question 1: Who will be impacted by your divorce?
It’s easy to discount how each person in your life will be impacted by a divorce until you deliberately think it through. Not only will your children’s lives be altered, so will your closest friends, and extended family members who share your life.
Question 2: Considering the people closest to you, how will they be impacted by a divorce?
There are tremendous loses involved for everyone in a divorce situation. When thinking about leaving your marriage, it’s important to flesh out not only who will be affected, but also how. Once you know what you are up against, you can make a strategic plan to handle each situation. As a starting place, consider the following:
Children: How will my children be impacted by divorce?—Each child will no longer have an intact family for everyday living, vacations or holidays. And, depending on finances, the children may lose the family home and with that, possibly their friends, school, and community. How will the children handle being shuffled from one parent’s house to the next?
Family: What changes will take place for extended family members? Will your spouse’s family still accept you after you file for divorce? Will you be able to spend time with your stepchildren or step grandchildren?
Question 3: What will be impacted by your divorce?
People commonly make the mistake of overlooking key aspects of their lives that inevitably result in change. Consider the following points to help give you clearer picture of what life might look like after asking for a divorce
Housing: Will you have to move to a more affordable place? Will you have to move in with your parents while you get back on your feet?
Career: If you want to spend more time with your kids, will you need to cut down on overtime at work? Will you have to return to work, get training, or educated to make your marketable? Will you have to relocate to find a job? Finances—How much spousal support will you have to pay your ex? And, for how long? Will you get enough in spousal support to maintain your standard of living (probably not)? Will you have to take a second job to make ends meet?
Social—What areas of your lifestyle will you need to change if you divorce? Will you be able to socialize with your couple friends like before? What about dating?
Transportation—Do you have a car? Do you need one? Will you be forced to sell your nice car for a more affordable one? Who will be putting the miles and gas on the car when transporting the children back and forth?
This article is meant to open your eyes to the reality that is divorce. People who refuse to acknowledge the truth that their decisions have on every aspect of their lives are also those who suffer the most when the unexpected, yet normal, consequences take place in their lives.
As the adage goes, “Plan for the worst and hope for the best.” Facing the ugliness of divorce head on will make you proactive, ready to deal with the challenges coming your way. If you are feeling unsure about your relationship, it’s best to think it through before you start divorce planning.
Related:
Nancy Fagan, Founder of Relationship Resolution Center
Nancy Fagan is the founder of the Relationship Resolution Center, an online counseling, mediation, and coaching business. She holds a Master's Degree in Clinical Psychology and is the former owner of the largest divorce mediation firm in San Diego. She is a 3-time published author and has appeared on countless television, radio shows, and quoted in national magazines since 1997.
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