by Nancy Fagan, Relationship Resolution Center
Interestingly, 93 percent of what is communicated between spouses is nonverbal. That's right, only 7 percent of communication is the spoken word. We regularly neglect a significant part of language-the 23 percent that comes from tone of voice and the 70 percent spoken through body language. If you become fluent in all three areas of body language, you'll be able to see visible signs of what's on your partner's mind that you might otherwise overlook.
Nothing will improve your marriage more than a quick lesson in body language interpretation. Reading between the lines is the fastest way to know what someone is thinking about you. This is because emotions manifest through bodily signs that are entirely out of conscious awareness. But, unless you are fluent in decoding this secret language, you'll most likely miss a big part of the communication with your spouse.
Understanding the language of the body doesn't have to be complicated. It's just a matter of knowing what to watch for. Once you've learned the signals, the conversations you have with your partner will be more meaningful.
Using Body Language to Comfort
People communicate in three ways—through body language (70%), tone of voice (23%), and words (7%). As you can see, we say the most with our nonverbal language. The next time your partner is upset, try using one of the items below to express your support and love.
Lean forward
Move closer
Make eye contact
Turn your body toward your partner
Touch your partner—hold hands, pat the shoulder, caress back, place a hand on knee, hug tightly, stroke the face, kiss the hand
Mirror your partner's body language to show empathy
A nod to show you're listening
Hug
Phrases to Show Support
"This is only temporary."
"You can survive this."
"We'll get through this together."
"I'm here for you."
"I love you."
"It will be okay."
"I'm listening."
"Is there anything I can do to support you?"
"It's okay to cry."
"Remind the big picture."
The Importance of Touch
Touch has incredible emotional and physical health benefits for the partner being touched as well as the one doing the touching. It is also essential to the bonding process between partners. Couples who have grown emotionally distant don't touch as often as they did in the past. If you notice this in your relationship, the remedy is easy—deliberately touch your partner. It will re-engage your connection.
Use Your Body to Engage
When assessing your spouse's body language, there are two things to watch for: specific body positions and biological reactions in his or her eyes.
When your spouse is paying attention to you, his or her body will communicate it loudly and clearly. There are nine key body positions to watch for. If you see any of them happen, it means only one thing, you have your spouse's attention! Likewise, if you want your partner to know you're listening, position your body accordingly. The more signals you see displayed, the stronger the engagement:
The trunk of the body will face you squarely
A foot will be pointed in your direction
The leg will be crossed toward you
Your personal space will be invaded (the invisible 20-inch circle around you)
You will be touched
Leaning forward in your direction
The head will tilt
Sit on the edge of the chair
One last thing to remember: body language is a two-way street. If you want to invite your spouse to engage with you, position your body in the ways mentioned above to communicate your interest.
Proficiency in body language will take a little practice. But, as soon as you remember what to look for, you'll never have to wonder if your partner is listening - you'll immediately know!
Nancy Fagan, Founder of Relationship Resolution Center
Nancy Fagan is the founder of the Relationship Resolution Center, an online counseling, mediation, and coaching business. She holds a Master's Degree in Clinical Psychology and is the former owner of the largest divorce mediation firm in San Diego. She is a 3-time published author and has appeared on countless television, radio shows, and quoted in national magazines since 1997.